So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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