I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
