oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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