I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
