all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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