paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Holy sore nipples Batman
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
