Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Randomize
