You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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