tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize