Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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