my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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