I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
