I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
