apparently the secret to your success is patron
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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