drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
