why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
