Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
