Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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