I accidentally burped into my bong.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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