I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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