You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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