so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
