I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm like, not good at living.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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