I just made out with a guy for $7.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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