She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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