Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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