sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
