I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
