I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
