I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
