I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
