Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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