Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
