Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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