where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Swine flu. Run for my life!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
