Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
