Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
