I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
