if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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