it hurts more in the daytime
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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