I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I want a musical about memes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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