Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
