Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
