I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
