I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
