hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
