I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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