So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
