8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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