Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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