i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
