My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
