I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
