I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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