Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
