i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize