My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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