So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
